Spin.

Life has taught me that you start to grow up when you become aware of your surroundings, including yourself.

Remarkable was that time in motion when my parents decided that we needed a better life away from our roots, and they took their decision and injected it through my veins, accepting the fact that coming to the United States was the ideal choice for us, even if that changed my whole perspective in life.

That’s when you know that without noticing, you put somebody else’s opinion before you, without thinking if it’s worth it or not.
And it all began on September 3rd of 2003; when I really began to live the life that I was not expecting.
Since the beginning of my ideally future, without knowing the true definition of the word; I always thought I had planned my life in a way that everything was going to fall into place, and eventually work out. But those stories only come to life in best sellers.

I guess that’s how you are raised, even if your parents didn’t mean it that way.
The chain begins when you are taught that to be accepted in Society as a normal but successful human being, you need a career, and to display morality and good manners as an Art exhibition, you need to go to church, at least on Sundays.
Life has changed for me, aside from it's rotation and translation.
I don’t use a watch anymore and I stopped biting my nails a while ago. I died my hair as many times as in colors, and for some reason, the only thing that remains from the past is the length of it.

I’m here studying my second choice, cursing in English, having friends that doesn’t know from where I got my nickname and still “considering” them as ones, wearing unmatched clothing pieces, drinking wine as a hobby and still remembering that even though I was born here, my heart does not belong to this place.

It’s a different case scenario right now. I actually don’t blame my parent’s decision. I have to blame them for not thinking ahead of time when they had to. But like they always say in their self defense: “Parent’s don’t come with an instruction booklet”.
And again is not even their fault.
Is the interconnection of things: how they were raised: “Actions vs. Reactions”, who wins, who loses, who battles; who has the chance to swing the white flag; and then I wonder why is it that I think on all the little things on behalf, when it comes to a general resolution.

I guess I’m still 24 years old; expecting too much; with my head enjoying PG rated movies and my newest obsessed addiction: my rubrik.

I read as I write, and in the process, I find quite interesting the fact that I enjoy doing that more than eating; but as not having another option, wishing that at some point Scientists will create a way of eating words and learning from them instantly (with vitamins and all of that matter), I still have to feed my veins with the regular.
“I read and write, therefore I am”.

I draw but not intentionally. I paint because I believe in gouache and the beauty of self expression.
Music defines who I am, even when Music itself is a little bit selfish and talks only about Music.
I still defend it more than anything else, forgetting about it’s commercial and non-appealing- at- all up to date creations. Music should be treated as if it was as important as an Environmental issue; but that’s just me.

People say I might be a little crazy, and for some reason I agree.
Is the way I paint my own little world, trapped in the irregular.
I understand and interpret things with other person’s facts, and still with my general approach, obviously thinking on more underground possibilities.
Even If I have the accordingly solution; I believe that I’ve being an individualist thinker even before I moved here.
So by that being said, I realized that this country doesn’t change people; it just allows us to be who we really are, with all the junk of “freedom” of speech and action.
“The genuine”- as they call each other- say that’s a point of view from an Artist. But I don’t consider myself as one.
There’s a lot of impostors out there.

I prefer to say that I want to become one and make the difference, but remaining mortal of course.
Immortality makes the heart stop from beating in hierarchy.
You lose your surprising face, and your super powers do not evolve anymore.

That happens when you stop searching and you truly think you know everything.
Maybe like people from this country that take everything for granted.

I now believe in present and still; in Mary Poppins.
I follow Peanut’s life messages as if they were written just for me.

Maybe believing that you are the only one in the planet makes the difference; at least for you, and it sure counts.

I’m emotionally ruined by emotions. I let them guide me through the road and sometimes with not so heroic results.
But as I say to myself: “You need to have some sort of guidance in life, even if you are the only one following it, and nobody else around you cares”.

Is just a matter of being aware of yourself (without losing your amazed face) and what may lead you through the road of perfection, even if perfect is just the word.

Religion even here, is an institution for those who need a leader.
I believe in God as my source of energy, believing in me as well for being my leader and knowing the difference between good or bad, even if you were not "raised" that way.
Because conscience does exist; through that little voice, that at the end of the day summarizes mentally what went wrong, what went right, explaining the virtue of your decisions and letting you know in the exact way: feelings.

I used to work for the future but not anymore.
Since September 3rd, everything changed my point of view. And I don’t categorize it as positive or negative. Things get knockouts. People go away and dogs stay home, I once read.
Colors have different values and saturations, making it wonder if it’s real or not.
The same as, points of views, and the clock ticking, as a perfect example.

It all comes to the fact of how unpredictably predictable today you might feel the unforgiving, and tomorrow it may not be count as striking news.

That’s the New York Vita; not because I wanted to experience it, but because at some point in life you are not entitled to decide for yourself; a Latin conception on how parents raise their kids and I was definitely part of the game.

But is not only this city’s fault that makes you feel that way.
Is the worldwide conceptualism of “not caring at all” point of view.
Why? Circumstances make us that way.

Is not that we don’t care, but we sure care less, and without the less, care is just alone: “It happened to you, deal with it”.

I guess that thinking too much could make us weak sometimes.
When you start battling with what is it that you really want, and what is it that you get instead, and if is that what you really deserve.

And there’s no such thing as pure balance, when you have to live everyday as one: My number one lesson learned after September 3rd, even if it doesn’t work like that, at least I know it for now. What you say, think, feel or do, is not always what the universe gets from you, or what you are going to convey or receive.
You feel, the others just "live".

It may not be healthy at all but if it works; you start thinking again if that’s what you’re worth living for, forgetting about the passion and how interesting life should be; remembering that it never ends, and as a human, you are always entitled to expect more.

My life changed when I moved here. I strongly believe that the school of life has it’s ground institution in “America”.
And after all the 5 year analysis, I don’t regret it.

I believe in the phrase that says: “Better now than never”.
The only unmistakable problem will be that here you start to “live” younger, and magic disappears faster.
Is true that it all depends If you allow it, but sooner or later, rain always falls down, even if the weatherman tries to change the intensity of it; like getting older every day and not noticing at all.

Aside of coming from a place where sharing is the primary topic, where everybody gives you a smile as a perfect gift; where companion and sincerity reminds you where is it that your history has it’s meaning; New York has taught me that individuality is more than just one color; that is your responsibility to create your life upon the things that matter the most to you, that there should be a non-attached feeling on everything that you do; what you give stays within the air, but what you get as learning experiences, should make you evolve as a person, whatever the fact or issue is, remembering that the value of being alive is, getting a sense of emotion in motion, exercising your heart and always, always learning again, for the best.

I consider living as my primary profession.
Believing in the truth of counting your blessings and letting yourself know that you are capable of doing anything possible to live under your gurú, and trying always not to hurt anybody, trying to make your soul remain intact, even if you change with grace.

I only remember my name and last name whenever I remember that now; I live here; that I’m part of a Society because they count me in statistics but not because I consider myself grouped in it.

And I know there’s a lot more out there, when probably my lifestyle reflects somebody else’s way of living; but I also learned that I'm just 24.

Bottom line is, this country has taught me how to live in it’s own little way, and after everything that I’ve experienced, good or bad; I have to say that am thankful for it.
Living is not only a choice, but the only one we got, and being able to feel it and see it with your own examples, making your own decisions, has definetely made me a better person in many particular ways.

I’ve cried until sunrise, laughed to the most stupid joke; dreamed about being in the moon enjoying the greatest glass of red wine ever; I have loved until the end of life; walked among strangers not caring at all; whispering to my memories the fact that aside from all the drama, I can still say that I'm genuinely alive.

So If tomorrow never comes, I can truly say that I have lived.
Size or time doesn’t make it greater. Little things are greater things, when you know how to love and enjoy them.





MT//

mood: thoughtful.
listening to:Billy Porter- Time.mp3